To lie is human

Why do we lie so much? We are trained from an early age to please others by pretending we like something so as not to hurt their feelings – the meal Aunt Biddie cooked; that toy; that book. We are also told about Father Christmas, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny all of which we find later are myths. Much of our lying revolves about other people’s happiness.

Later we learn to lie about what we have (or have not) done; what others have done; how to get what we want. We learn that truth is a robust concept – spin doctors don’t exactly lie, they say things in a way we believe something is true by leaving out the opposing view. We accept that diplomats, advertising men and used car salesmen will say things which need either to be analysed very carefully or taken with a pinch of salt.

Occasionally we come across someone who lies so much it is obvious to everyone, but their personality is such that we accept them – Trump, Putin and Boris Johnson being prime examples currently.

Every modern language has developed a way of saying “Yes” in such a way that the recipient understands as meaning “No”. How many of us tell our kids (or students) that everything is fine when, in fact, everything is totally wrong, in order to preserve their sense of security? Have you been honest about everything having to do with, say, your love life, or what happens at work? Do you praise drawings they bring home from school that you actually think are terrible?

Learning to lie

Most research suggests that children develop the ability to lie at about age three. By age five, almost all children can (and will) lie to avoid punishment or chores—and a minority will sporadically tell prosocial lies. From ages seven to eleven, they begin to reliably lie to protect other people or to make them feel better—and they’ll start to consider prosocial lies to be justified. They’re not just telling white lies to please adults. The research to date suggests that they are motivated by strong feelings of empathy and compassion.

Why should that be the case? What is going on in children’s minds and bodies that allows this capacity to develop? What does this developmental arc reveal about human beings—and how we take care of each other? That’s what a recent wave of studies has started to uncover.

Taken together, this research points to one message: Sometimes, lying can reveal what’s best in people.

At first, the ability to lie reflects a developmental milestone: Young children are acquiring a “theory of mind,” which is psychology’s way of describing our ability to distinguish our own beliefs, intents, desires, and knowledge from what might be in the minds of other people. Antisocial lying appears earlier than prosocial lying in children because it’s much simpler, developmentally; it mainly requires an understanding that adults can’t read your mind.

But prosocial lying needs more than just theory of mind. It requires the ability to identify suffering in another person (empathy) and the desire to alleviate that suffering (compassion). More than that, even, it involves anticipation that our words or actions might cause suffering in a hypothetical future. Thus, prosocial lying reflects the development of at least four distinct human capacities: theory of mind, empathy, compassion, and the combination of memory and imagination that allows us to foresee the consequences of our words.

How do we know that kids have all of these capacities? Could they just be lying to get out of the negative consequences of telling the truth? Or perhaps they’re simply lazy; is it easier to lie than be honest? As they grow older, kids are also developing the ability to detect lies—and to distinguish selfish from selfless ones. The distinction comes down to intent, which studies show can be discerned through recognition of telltale signs in the face and voice of the liar.

Prosocial lying

“Prosocial lying reflects the development of at least four distinct human capacities: theory of mind, empathy, compassion, and the combination of memory and imagination that allows us to foresee the consequences of our words.”

Prosocial lies (which in this case involved delight in a disappointing gift) were betrayed by expressions that resembled joy—a “lip raise on the right side” that hinted at a barely concealed smile, and a blinking pattern associated with happiness. The faces of children lying to conceal a misdeed showed signs of contempt, mainly a slight lip pucker that stops short of being a smirk.

It’s almost certainly the case that we are subconsciously picking up on these signs (along with tells in the liar’s voice) when we catch someone in a lie. But research finds that the consequences of catching someone in a prosocial lie are often very different from those of an antisocial lie, or “black lie,” as they’re sometimes called. In fact, detecting a prosocial lie can increase trust and social bonds.

A series of four 2015 studies from the Wharton School had participants play economic games that involved different kinds of trust and deception. Unsurprisingly, the researchers found that black lies hurt trust. But if participants saw that the deception was altruistic in nature, trust between game-players actually increased.

A complex mathematical 2014 study compared the impact of black and white lies on social networks. Again, black lies drove wedges into social networks. But white lies had precisely the opposite effect, tightening social bonds. Several studies have found that people are quick to forgive white lies, and even to appreciate them.

It appears that there are variations of lying – black, white and a large hinterland in the middle, some of which are acceptable all the time, some, part of the time and some at no time. We expect people to lie on court; we expect politicians, diplomats and spin doctors to tell variations of the truth; we even accept spies to lie to the enemy and are surprised when they lie to us.

Confidence tricksters lie by using our own slightly illegal thoughts and expanding them in an acceptable way – it’s not really stealing, or whatever when in fact we know it is. Even our laws are developed in such a way that the clever or rich can often wriggle out of imprisonment because they are often written by those whose power and authority make them important and therefore above hoi polloi.

If aliens ever visit the Earth they might have difficulty dealing with and understanding us.